Carla Greene — LIBRARY BLOG

Welcome back to the second & final installment of this thrilling tale of a young girl's tragic descent into library delirium at the hands of a manipulative and bookish madwoman...

I want to be a LIBRARIAN

by Carla Greene

illustrations by Frances Eckart

Miss Brown found two books about dogs. They were books that Jane could read.

"And I would like this book, too," said Jane. It was called,

HOW TO SAIL A BOAT.

"That book is hard to read," said Miss Brown.

"You're much too stupid for that one."

"My brother, Joe, will like this," said Jane.

     Miss Brown put a date on a card in each book.
     "Bring the books back on this date," she said.
     "Don't be late. You must pay a fine for late books."
               "Are you ready to pay that price, Jane? Do you know what true pain is?" asked Miss Brown.
     "I will take good care of the books and bring them back on time," said Jane.

Ah, and here is Joe, Jane's gay little brother with his sailor hat and shorty-shorts...

     "This is a wonderful book," said Joe. "It tells me what I want to know about sailing.
               Oh, I think Joe's already done some "sailing."
     I want to be a good sailor.
               Mm-hm...
     What do you want to be, Jane?"
     "I want to be a good librarian, someday," said Jane. "I will help people find good books."
     "Miss Brown does other things, too," said Joe.
               That's my favorite line in the whole book.

Oh, wow, that's totally NOT what I thought he meant...

I wonder if Miss Brown ever just loses her shit and starts crying and screaming at all those demanding teachers? Or maybe that's just me.

     "How do you get to be a librarian, Miss Brown?" asked Jane.
     "You should go through college, Jane," said Miss Brown.
               "Even though you're a girl."
     "Then you should study another year in a Library School. And you should like children and books."
               I'm pretty sure that part is not required anymore.

"Now remember all that I've taught you, ladies, and don't be afraid to KILL should it prove necessary."

     One day Miss Brown let Jane help her.
     They drove out into the country.
               ...with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a loaded gun.
     "Here comes the book bus!" cried the children.
               They all glanced sadly at the little shrine by the side of the road where the last child had been struck and killed by Miss Brown in one of her drunken book bus rages.
     Miss Brown helped the children choose books.
     And Jane helped a little boy find a good book about turtles.

But unfortunately, stupid, STUPID Jane didn't know enough to hold the book right side up.

     On the way home, they saw Joe in his sailboat.
               Another boy's head popped up inside the boat, right next to Joe!
     He waved to them.
               Then the other boy's head bobbed back down.
     "Joe learned a lot from that book about sailing," said Jane.
     "You will make a good librarian someday," said Miss Brown. "I hope that you will come and work with me."
               "...and I will show you the dark one who slumbers in the catacombs beneath the library."

This picture is so idyllic, it reminds me of when I was a little girl...

Well, that's the end. Your book report is due a week from today. Do not forget to write your name at the top, and mind your margins.

I'm not sure where I picked up this discarded old library book, but I find it charming and amusingly lame. And kind of sad in this day and age when I bet there are fewer and fewer people who want to be librarians, considering all the budget cuts and layoffs happening in our public library systems!

I will transcribe the text of the book faithfully, and leave my snarky comments in red.

I want to be a LIBRARIAN

by Carla Greene

illustrations by Frances Eckart

Jane walked toward the library.

That is an ACTION-PACKED opening sentence.

She had never been inside the library.

"I wish Joe had come with me," she thought.

Joe was Jane's big brother.

He would not come to the library.

He had a fine new boat.

Wait, what? What does his boat have to do with anything? Oh, I get it- he doesn't want to come to the library because he's too busy "playing with his fine new boat." But doesn't that sound like a non sequitur at first? And then it sounds like a euphemism.

Maybe Jane can help out this angry, stupid little girl who got her dress caught in the door.

Jane went up to the door of the library.

She read what it said on the door.

STORY HOUR

9-10

Then she opened the door and went in.

Where are her parents? Do they know where she is? What if instead of walking toward the library she had walked toward the old abandoned lumber mill where the crazy homeless men hang out getting drunk? Somebody needs to keep an eye on this girl.

"Miss Brown, if I join your story time will I be able to turn my head 180 degrees around as if I'm possessed by the devil, like that little boy there?"

"What a nice room," thought Jane.

There were books and pictures everywhere.

No shit, Jane, it's a LIBRARY.

Boys and girls sat in a half-circle.

In the center was a freshly-slaughtered goat lying upon a pentagram.

Miss Brown was the librarian.

She smiled at Jane.

"Come and sit here," she said.

Miss Brown told a story that Jane liked.

It was about a boy who had many animal friends.

It took place in Mexico, and the boy particularly liked donkeys.

"I want to read all the animal books in the library," said Jane.

Miss Brown smiled.

"That's stupid, dear."

"That will take you a long time. There are many animal books here."

"And many people who enjoy doing things with animals, Jane."

"May I have a library card of my own?" asked Jane.

"Yes," said Miss Brown.

"Write your name here and take this card to your mother. Bring it back next week. Then I will give you your card."

Next WEEK? I think Miss Brown must spend a lot of time sitting around on her bony ass when she should be processing library card applications.

I actually find this picture very pleasing, and just look at how dear and polite little Jane is!

She had heard many good things about a new book called "Go the Fuck To Sleep..."

"I like dog stories," said Jane.

Miss Brown showed Jane some drawers full of cards.

"Let's look at the cards with the word DOG at the top. These cards have the names of books about dogs. See the number on each card. That tells me where to find the book."

"Whoa, Miss Brown. You lost me at 'drawers full of cards,'" said Jane.

This illustration would make no sense at all to most kids now.

Stay tuned for the next scandalous installment of "I Want To Be a Librarian," in which Jane hears filthy rumors about her beloved Miss Brown. -ed

VINTAGE BOOK : I Want To Be a Librarian (second installment)

VINTAGE BOOK : I Want To Be a Librarian (first installment)

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